Does It Ever End?

Life being so unpredictible that is! MY life has certainly been unpredictible and full of stumbling blocks this year. I prayed that 2008 would be full of much happiness and joy, but so far all I've been dealt is unexpected and unfortunate surprises.

I've had enough. I can't take no more, and I don't want to take on more.

Tommorrow morning I will be going in for surgery to have my Gall-bladder removed. Ever since I had Amelia last month, I started having heartburn-like pain. I had 3 seperate intense attacks, the last being on the 4th of July, when I finally decided to get myself to the ER once and for all to get this under control and to find out for sure what was happening. The next day a sonogram confirmed that I do indeed have gall-stones and yesterday I had a consoltation with the surgeon. I'm getting a bit more nervous now, but I know it's a common procedure and I keep reminding myself of that. I will be so happy to be able to eat some of my favorite foods again though (i.e. -icecream and french fries), so the sooner this can be done, the better!

Anyway, I just keep wondering what's gonna go wrong next. I've lost my dad, and it blows my mind that he's been gone 3 whole months now. I miss him so badly and I can only imagine what my mom feels. I hurt for her so much because I can see the sadness in her eyes and I know there is nothing any of us can do to take away that sadness and pain. My parents 43rd Anniversary would be this coming week on the 23rd, so I'm going to try my best to do something special for her that day... hopefully if I'm feeling up to it by then. And then we lost our dear Amelia and since then just one thing after another has gone on with me. First, I retained fluid in my legs and gained 10lb. in fluid alone after her birth. I went on water pills and thankfully that resolved, but then I developed a cyst on my ear and had to go on medication to clear that up. Then I had complications from the medication and had to go on others. And now the gall-bladder problems. So, because of all these unexpected ailments, I've had to put off the further testing of what's going on with my uterus, and it's making me feel unedge. I am just so anxious to find out more about why I'm not carrying my babies to full-term... I think about it all the time. Like I said, what could be next? Can I handle more? Please, God... give me more strength because I fear it's wearing thin.

I must say that there are so many dear friends around sending so much support and cheer our way... many cards and memorials in Amelia's memory. Each and every gesture has been welcomed and appreciated by us and we thank everyone so much!

Today I got a package in the mail from a very sweet on-line friend, Christine. She sent me the most thoughtful gift that brought me many happy tears. She recalled me saying that I wanted to get a Biography 101 scrapbook/shadowbox case by Cosmo Cricket. I never did end up buying myself one, but today I was blessed with one from Christine. Such a wonderful surprise and so perfect for preserving the remembrance pages I plan to do for Amelia! Christine, again I am so thankful for your caring thoughts, prayers and such a loving gift! As I told you, you made my day soo much brighter!

Now before I sign off, I was tagged earlier this week by my buddy, Amy Tara, so I thought I'd better give my replies and tag some others...

1. Ten Years Ago... I was working at a Preschool, and I was burnt out and needed a change. I took a hiatus from the Preschool to work at a summer camp. It was the best idea I ever had because that is where I met and fell in love with my sweet husband!

2. 5 things on today (tomorrow's ) to do list... Prepare myself for surgery in the morning (yikes), go to the hospital for my surgery, come home after being released and take it easy (NAP), maybe catch up on some of the new scrap-mags for the month, and perhaps watch a movie or two!

3. Snacks I enjoy... I love, love,love Chex Mix, esp. the homemade kind! Then of course I can't pass up M&M's!

4. Places I've lived... Gettysburg (PA), Numidia (PA), Milton (PA), Morehead (KY), Altoona (PA), and McClure (PA).

5. 4 people I tag... Suzanne, Allison, Christine, and Rachael.



Good-night all! I'm off to hopefully get some sleep! Nerves...stay calm!

Feeling Cheated!

That's how I feel these days, everyday, about almost everything. I sit here on what should be my 22nd week of pregnancy, only now I sit here empty. There is no longer a baby inside of me swishing around from side to side. Right about now I should be feeling those firmer, stronger kicks, letting me know that she's awake and wanting some attention. I feel cheated... I never got to experience Amelia's playful punches!

It's the 4th of July weekend and I sit here at home alone. Mugi has gone to Washington D.C. to enjoy the annual Papua New Guinea gathering, a reunion which we always go to every year over the 4th so that we can reunite with other PNG friends who are married to United States spouses and living here in the states. I chose not to go this year for fear of seeing other adorable new babies who have made their arrival within the past year. Yes, again I feel cheated. I'm cheated from my own sense of security... security I feel I no longer have because I no longer feel protected. I know it's wrong, but I feel I must shield and hide myself from "the outside world"... the world that includes babies that will never belong to me... babies that I will never hold tight in my arms... babies that when they cry, the sound pierces my heart as it aches a million x's over! I feel cheated because I can't be enjoying a holiday weekend get-a-way with my husband.

I wish there was a magic switch that I could turn on, and I could just go about life feeling normal. I feel cheated, because I don't know whether or not I'll EVER feel normalcy again. How can I shake these intense feelings of wanting to be a mother so badly... like RIGHT NOW at this very moment? How can I prevent myself with being overcome with excrutiating jealousy toward other mothers? Yes, I AM a mother. I have given birth to beautiful babies... daughters! But again, I am cheated because those babies never came home with me. I am cheated from experiencing what it's like to be a mother day in and day out every single day of my life!

What did I do to deserve this? I ask this of God. I am so angered at Him these days. Do I feel bad and discouraged about being so upset with God? Of course I do... I hate that I feel such anger in my heart, but I can't seem to find a calm resolution. The other day I was sitting in the waiting room at my Doctor's office and I saw a framed quote on the wall that read, "All Babies Are A Gift Of God". I immediately felt cheated. I know that my babies are a gift of God, but why did He have to take His gifts from me? Am I not worthy to be the bearer of His gifts? Am I not worthy to be their mother? Does He not know how long I've yearned to bring home and raise children? I know that God has His plan for me, and it's probably bigger than I could ever imagine, but right now that notion just doesn't satisfy my hungering. Call me selfish perhaps, but how long do I have to wait for His grand scheme of dreams for me to take place? How much more can I take?