Ohhhh no, SNOW!

Yes, it has snowed here. Tuesday was the first sight of any, but now this morning it had laid enough to have to shovle it. Not my favorite thing to do, but I went out and did it. I think today I kind of was eager to do it since it's our first snow fall here at our new house and I got to shovle "our" driveway for the first time... but I know the second, third, fourth X's etc... will not but such a welcome chore! Anyway, I shoveled about 3 hours ago and we only had about 3-4 inches, but now as I'm typing and looking out the window, I see the snow is falling again. It is always so breathtaking to see the first snow of the season sticking to the trees and brightening everything around, but I'm the kind who is satisfied with that first snow fall only. If it were up to me, I'd have no more of it until Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and after that... good-bye snow... farewell!

Yesterday I went along with my mom to her doctor's appointment and we also had lunch and did a bit of shopping. We went to Cracker Barrel and I had my favorite chicken and dumplins. They are sooo yummy there! And of course I love their gift shoppe, esp. around the Fall and Christmas seasons. Every year I always look for new ornaments to add to our family collection, and Cracker Barrel usually have a ton of sweet ornaments there, so I spent some time admiring their decorated trees to see what I liked. I ended up buying 2 of these sweet angel ornaments, one for Ava and one for Amelia...

For the past 2 Christmas's we've been collecting various ornaments in remembrance of Ava, and the day after Christmas last year, I bought a white christmas tree to use from here on out to display all of her special ornaments. Now we'll be hanging our dear Amelia's decorations on that tree too. I am going to get a fine tip gold paint pen to write the girl's names on each, but I'm quite happy with my first ornament purchases of the year! I'll be looking for more :)

Thought I'd also share 2 other cute items I picked up yesterday. Our new bedroom comforter set is browns and aqua-blues and I found this rockin' brown damask throw pillow that match in with the set really well... ya know, stripes for the guy, and a little damask for the girl!!

I have really been loving the damask pattern designs lately for both decorating and scrapbooking... just as much as paisley I think! So I thought it was really cool that I found a fab looking flocked damask candle holder too that matched my pillow...

On another happy note, we finally have our mattress and boxsprings ordered for our new bed! We've been sleeping in our guest-bedroom for the past 3 months and felt it was about time that we be able to enjoy our own "new" bedroom and bedroom furniture. I can not wait to get this mattress because it will be like sleeping on a cloud... it's that cozy and plush! It will be delivered on Tuesday, so after I get the bed all put together I'll snap some photos to post.

I also thought that I'd post my first pieces of work that I completed last month for the CX DT! These all used the BasicGrey Eva collection of papers and the Cuttlebug and Cricut Expressions machine. The tutorials and supplies for all my projects and others from the Design Team can be viewed over at the CreativeXpress.com forums CX Academy under the CX DT Projects...

There really are some wonderful and unique ideas over there for scrapping, and we've really been concentrating lately in getting the most and best use out of fun tools such as the Cricut (regular machine, Expressions and Design Studio) and the Provo Cuttlebug machines. So if you are in need of some new ideas or just would like to be inspired with something creative you can always head on over to CX! I'm always amazed by things I find there on a daily basis. :)

Feeling apprehensive of this day...

Today I am having all kinds of feelings, yet I feel completely empty. I wish today I was someone else. I wish I were somewhere else. I've been avoiding the arrival of this day, and at the same time I've been anticipating it so much, just so that I can move past it. Not like the next day is going to really be any different, because I'll still be missing a very important piece of myself and that can never change.

November 7, 2008... it's here. This was to be Amelia's expected due-date, if she would have been born full-term. I'm exhausted and I have no reason to be really, except that crying and thinking and re-thinking takes so much out of a person. God knows I've cried my share of puddles this week alone! And if I could only count the times that I've just sat here with my mind twisting in every which way.

I've been so unproductive with everything lately and I am ashamed to admit that I have wasted practically every single minute of every day this week. I haven't even really stepped out of the house, heck, I haven't even had much of an urge to shower this week (but I have). I don't want to do anything, except maybe to crawl under my sheets and wallow in my own self-pity for a very long time. That would be so easy to do! See I don't like going out of my safety zone, which is basically why I am quite comfortable hiding myself at home. I can't find much joy in doing things I am accustomed to doing. I detest shopping right now... too many pregnant women and mommies with their babies who also shop. It's an odd sickening feeling to carry around so much resentment for other pregnant woman, but since I've become a "mother who grieves for her babies", this has become an unavoidable problem... my problem. I understand that these other glowing and growing women mean no harm. They ARE blessed, but I guess that's why it hurts so much. They are blessed with new lives growing inside that I so dearly yearn for myself. Jealousy is a difficult test, and right now I am flunking mine with a big ol' F! And church... dare I even go there. This past Sunday was the first in many months that I even attended, and I wouldn't have even gone then if it hadn't been for the new pastor calling and telling me that it was "All Saints Sunday" and there would be candles lit in remembrance of Amelia and my dad. I was okay once I got there, and luckily there were no baptisms that day. But the honest truth is that I am still tangled up with my feelings toward God right now and the path of life he has chosen for me... for us. I am angry, and I am unsettled, and I haven't a clue as to how long this will take me to work through and feel more "at peace" with everything that has happened over the past months ( or years for that matter). I know that God isn't supposed to give us anymore than we can handle, but really, that is a hard pill for me to swallow.

I keep wondering what it would be like right now if things would have been different. Tuesday was Election day, the one day I did go out of the house. What an amazing day, a day full of historical significance for the United States. All day long I kept thinking what a perfect day for a Birthday... how awesome it would have been if Amelia would have arrived on Tuesday. How great it would be to tell her that she was born on the very same day our country welcomed change and hope for all Americans.

I'm also thinking about what it would be like to have our new home filled with the sounds and scents of a fresh new little life. Just months ago while I was still pregnant, I was nervous because we were still living in our small 2 bedroom apartment and I was worried about not having enough room to accomodate the baby and all the "stuff" that a baby requires. Then after we lost Amelia we pulled ourselves together and threw what little energy we had into finding our first home, and it happened fast! We now have a beautiful spacious home and we have a baby room too. We painted the room green (the same green to match the green and brown elephant baby bedding that we had bought for Ava... and had also planned to use for Amelia's nursery too). Now if only we had Amelia home with us, that nursery would be complete... WE would be complete.

I know I am filled with so much emptiness and grief and that most days it's so hard for me to even come up to breathe, but I also know that I am not alone. At times I often feel alone in this journey, but I'm not because I have a husband who's been on this path with me every step of the way. I hope that he knows that I understand how much he hurts too as a grieving father. I know that he tries his best to stay stronger than the both of us combined. And he does! So on this day, it is my prayer for us that we can just help each other to carry on. He often reminds me that no matter what our future holds, it's important to remember that we still have one another, and he's right. Such a wonderful blessing to count on!

~Remembering, loving and missing Amelia, today and ALWAYS!~