Feeling Cheated!

That's how I feel these days, everyday, about almost everything. I sit here on what should be my 22nd week of pregnancy, only now I sit here empty. There is no longer a baby inside of me swishing around from side to side. Right about now I should be feeling those firmer, stronger kicks, letting me know that she's awake and wanting some attention. I feel cheated... I never got to experience Amelia's playful punches!

It's the 4th of July weekend and I sit here at home alone. Mugi has gone to Washington D.C. to enjoy the annual Papua New Guinea gathering, a reunion which we always go to every year over the 4th so that we can reunite with other PNG friends who are married to United States spouses and living here in the states. I chose not to go this year for fear of seeing other adorable new babies who have made their arrival within the past year. Yes, again I feel cheated. I'm cheated from my own sense of security... security I feel I no longer have because I no longer feel protected. I know it's wrong, but I feel I must shield and hide myself from "the outside world"... the world that includes babies that will never belong to me... babies that I will never hold tight in my arms... babies that when they cry, the sound pierces my heart as it aches a million x's over! I feel cheated because I can't be enjoying a holiday weekend get-a-way with my husband.

I wish there was a magic switch that I could turn on, and I could just go about life feeling normal. I feel cheated, because I don't know whether or not I'll EVER feel normalcy again. How can I shake these intense feelings of wanting to be a mother so badly... like RIGHT NOW at this very moment? How can I prevent myself with being overcome with excrutiating jealousy toward other mothers? Yes, I AM a mother. I have given birth to beautiful babies... daughters! But again, I am cheated because those babies never came home with me. I am cheated from experiencing what it's like to be a mother day in and day out every single day of my life!

What did I do to deserve this? I ask this of God. I am so angered at Him these days. Do I feel bad and discouraged about being so upset with God? Of course I do... I hate that I feel such anger in my heart, but I can't seem to find a calm resolution. The other day I was sitting in the waiting room at my Doctor's office and I saw a framed quote on the wall that read, "All Babies Are A Gift Of God". I immediately felt cheated. I know that my babies are a gift of God, but why did He have to take His gifts from me? Am I not worthy to be the bearer of His gifts? Am I not worthy to be their mother? Does He not know how long I've yearned to bring home and raise children? I know that God has His plan for me, and it's probably bigger than I could ever imagine, but right now that notion just doesn't satisfy my hungering. Call me selfish perhaps, but how long do I have to wait for His grand scheme of dreams for me to take place? How much more can I take?