Feeling apprehensive of this day...

Today I am having all kinds of feelings, yet I feel completely empty. I wish today I was someone else. I wish I were somewhere else. I've been avoiding the arrival of this day, and at the same time I've been anticipating it so much, just so that I can move past it. Not like the next day is going to really be any different, because I'll still be missing a very important piece of myself and that can never change.

November 7, 2008... it's here. This was to be Amelia's expected due-date, if she would have been born full-term. I'm exhausted and I have no reason to be really, except that crying and thinking and re-thinking takes so much out of a person. God knows I've cried my share of puddles this week alone! And if I could only count the times that I've just sat here with my mind twisting in every which way.

I've been so unproductive with everything lately and I am ashamed to admit that I have wasted practically every single minute of every day this week. I haven't even really stepped out of the house, heck, I haven't even had much of an urge to shower this week (but I have). I don't want to do anything, except maybe to crawl under my sheets and wallow in my own self-pity for a very long time. That would be so easy to do! See I don't like going out of my safety zone, which is basically why I am quite comfortable hiding myself at home. I can't find much joy in doing things I am accustomed to doing. I detest shopping right now... too many pregnant women and mommies with their babies who also shop. It's an odd sickening feeling to carry around so much resentment for other pregnant woman, but since I've become a "mother who grieves for her babies", this has become an unavoidable problem... my problem. I understand that these other glowing and growing women mean no harm. They ARE blessed, but I guess that's why it hurts so much. They are blessed with new lives growing inside that I so dearly yearn for myself. Jealousy is a difficult test, and right now I am flunking mine with a big ol' F! And church... dare I even go there. This past Sunday was the first in many months that I even attended, and I wouldn't have even gone then if it hadn't been for the new pastor calling and telling me that it was "All Saints Sunday" and there would be candles lit in remembrance of Amelia and my dad. I was okay once I got there, and luckily there were no baptisms that day. But the honest truth is that I am still tangled up with my feelings toward God right now and the path of life he has chosen for me... for us. I am angry, and I am unsettled, and I haven't a clue as to how long this will take me to work through and feel more "at peace" with everything that has happened over the past months ( or years for that matter). I know that God isn't supposed to give us anymore than we can handle, but really, that is a hard pill for me to swallow.

I keep wondering what it would be like right now if things would have been different. Tuesday was Election day, the one day I did go out of the house. What an amazing day, a day full of historical significance for the United States. All day long I kept thinking what a perfect day for a Birthday... how awesome it would have been if Amelia would have arrived on Tuesday. How great it would be to tell her that she was born on the very same day our country welcomed change and hope for all Americans.

I'm also thinking about what it would be like to have our new home filled with the sounds and scents of a fresh new little life. Just months ago while I was still pregnant, I was nervous because we were still living in our small 2 bedroom apartment and I was worried about not having enough room to accomodate the baby and all the "stuff" that a baby requires. Then after we lost Amelia we pulled ourselves together and threw what little energy we had into finding our first home, and it happened fast! We now have a beautiful spacious home and we have a baby room too. We painted the room green (the same green to match the green and brown elephant baby bedding that we had bought for Ava... and had also planned to use for Amelia's nursery too). Now if only we had Amelia home with us, that nursery would be complete... WE would be complete.

I know I am filled with so much emptiness and grief and that most days it's so hard for me to even come up to breathe, but I also know that I am not alone. At times I often feel alone in this journey, but I'm not because I have a husband who's been on this path with me every step of the way. I hope that he knows that I understand how much he hurts too as a grieving father. I know that he tries his best to stay stronger than the both of us combined. And he does! So on this day, it is my prayer for us that we can just help each other to carry on. He often reminds me that no matter what our future holds, it's important to remember that we still have one another, and he's right. Such a wonderful blessing to count on!

~Remembering, loving and missing Amelia, today and ALWAYS!~