Does It Ever End?

Life being so unpredictible that is! MY life has certainly been unpredictible and full of stumbling blocks this year. I prayed that 2008 would be full of much happiness and joy, but so far all I've been dealt is unexpected and unfortunate surprises.

I've had enough. I can't take no more, and I don't want to take on more.

Tommorrow morning I will be going in for surgery to have my Gall-bladder removed. Ever since I had Amelia last month, I started having heartburn-like pain. I had 3 seperate intense attacks, the last being on the 4th of July, when I finally decided to get myself to the ER once and for all to get this under control and to find out for sure what was happening. The next day a sonogram confirmed that I do indeed have gall-stones and yesterday I had a consoltation with the surgeon. I'm getting a bit more nervous now, but I know it's a common procedure and I keep reminding myself of that. I will be so happy to be able to eat some of my favorite foods again though (i.e. -icecream and french fries), so the sooner this can be done, the better!

Anyway, I just keep wondering what's gonna go wrong next. I've lost my dad, and it blows my mind that he's been gone 3 whole months now. I miss him so badly and I can only imagine what my mom feels. I hurt for her so much because I can see the sadness in her eyes and I know there is nothing any of us can do to take away that sadness and pain. My parents 43rd Anniversary would be this coming week on the 23rd, so I'm going to try my best to do something special for her that day... hopefully if I'm feeling up to it by then. And then we lost our dear Amelia and since then just one thing after another has gone on with me. First, I retained fluid in my legs and gained 10lb. in fluid alone after her birth. I went on water pills and thankfully that resolved, but then I developed a cyst on my ear and had to go on medication to clear that up. Then I had complications from the medication and had to go on others. And now the gall-bladder problems. So, because of all these unexpected ailments, I've had to put off the further testing of what's going on with my uterus, and it's making me feel unedge. I am just so anxious to find out more about why I'm not carrying my babies to full-term... I think about it all the time. Like I said, what could be next? Can I handle more? Please, God... give me more strength because I fear it's wearing thin.

I must say that there are so many dear friends around sending so much support and cheer our way... many cards and memorials in Amelia's memory. Each and every gesture has been welcomed and appreciated by us and we thank everyone so much!

Today I got a package in the mail from a very sweet on-line friend, Christine. She sent me the most thoughtful gift that brought me many happy tears. She recalled me saying that I wanted to get a Biography 101 scrapbook/shadowbox case by Cosmo Cricket. I never did end up buying myself one, but today I was blessed with one from Christine. Such a wonderful surprise and so perfect for preserving the remembrance pages I plan to do for Amelia! Christine, again I am so thankful for your caring thoughts, prayers and such a loving gift! As I told you, you made my day soo much brighter!

Now before I sign off, I was tagged earlier this week by my buddy, Amy Tara, so I thought I'd better give my replies and tag some others...

1. Ten Years Ago... I was working at a Preschool, and I was burnt out and needed a change. I took a hiatus from the Preschool to work at a summer camp. It was the best idea I ever had because that is where I met and fell in love with my sweet husband!

2. 5 things on today (tomorrow's ) to do list... Prepare myself for surgery in the morning (yikes), go to the hospital for my surgery, come home after being released and take it easy (NAP), maybe catch up on some of the new scrap-mags for the month, and perhaps watch a movie or two!

3. Snacks I enjoy... I love, love,love Chex Mix, esp. the homemade kind! Then of course I can't pass up M&M's!

4. Places I've lived... Gettysburg (PA), Numidia (PA), Milton (PA), Morehead (KY), Altoona (PA), and McClure (PA).

5. 4 people I tag... Suzanne, Allison, Christine, and Rachael.



Good-night all! I'm off to hopefully get some sleep! Nerves...stay calm!

Feeling Cheated!

That's how I feel these days, everyday, about almost everything. I sit here on what should be my 22nd week of pregnancy, only now I sit here empty. There is no longer a baby inside of me swishing around from side to side. Right about now I should be feeling those firmer, stronger kicks, letting me know that she's awake and wanting some attention. I feel cheated... I never got to experience Amelia's playful punches!

It's the 4th of July weekend and I sit here at home alone. Mugi has gone to Washington D.C. to enjoy the annual Papua New Guinea gathering, a reunion which we always go to every year over the 4th so that we can reunite with other PNG friends who are married to United States spouses and living here in the states. I chose not to go this year for fear of seeing other adorable new babies who have made their arrival within the past year. Yes, again I feel cheated. I'm cheated from my own sense of security... security I feel I no longer have because I no longer feel protected. I know it's wrong, but I feel I must shield and hide myself from "the outside world"... the world that includes babies that will never belong to me... babies that I will never hold tight in my arms... babies that when they cry, the sound pierces my heart as it aches a million x's over! I feel cheated because I can't be enjoying a holiday weekend get-a-way with my husband.

I wish there was a magic switch that I could turn on, and I could just go about life feeling normal. I feel cheated, because I don't know whether or not I'll EVER feel normalcy again. How can I shake these intense feelings of wanting to be a mother so badly... like RIGHT NOW at this very moment? How can I prevent myself with being overcome with excrutiating jealousy toward other mothers? Yes, I AM a mother. I have given birth to beautiful babies... daughters! But again, I am cheated because those babies never came home with me. I am cheated from experiencing what it's like to be a mother day in and day out every single day of my life!

What did I do to deserve this? I ask this of God. I am so angered at Him these days. Do I feel bad and discouraged about being so upset with God? Of course I do... I hate that I feel such anger in my heart, but I can't seem to find a calm resolution. The other day I was sitting in the waiting room at my Doctor's office and I saw a framed quote on the wall that read, "All Babies Are A Gift Of God". I immediately felt cheated. I know that my babies are a gift of God, but why did He have to take His gifts from me? Am I not worthy to be the bearer of His gifts? Am I not worthy to be their mother? Does He not know how long I've yearned to bring home and raise children? I know that God has His plan for me, and it's probably bigger than I could ever imagine, but right now that notion just doesn't satisfy my hungering. Call me selfish perhaps, but how long do I have to wait for His grand scheme of dreams for me to take place? How much more can I take?

Life is Seeming So Unfair Right Now!

This is ever so difficult for me to come on here to rely the news that I have to give. I am sure many of you will be just as shocked as we were and still are! As I told you all before, I had the stitch (cerclage) placed two weeks ago and EVERYTHING was going so well with the pregnancy. Friday a week ago I had a follow-up appointment and everything there also checked out really good and I had been feeling wonderful... absolutely no complications.

But, I guess sometimes life throws you a curve ball... seems like we've been thrown way too many. Last Saturday I woke up at around 5 am and I decided to change positions. As I did, I felt a gush. Immediately panic set in and I rushed over to the bathroom only to discover that my water had broken. It was spontaneous and I had no pressure and no contractions. How could this be happening all over again for the third time? How could this be happening when I was feeling so well and had been experiencing an uncomplicated pregnancy for the first time?

Amelia Grace-Ann was born last Saturday morning at 4:59 am. She passed 4o minutes later in her daddy's hands! At only 18 weeks gestation she was so detailed and amazing. She looked even more like her daddy than her big sister Ava had!

We are all so devastated. We have been praying long and hard and we thought for sure our baby would be greeting us in the Fall. I just don't know what to do with myself and I'm losing all hope... I'm quickly losing faith and that scares me! The only consolation I have is that our girls are being cared for up in Heaven by their Pappy now!

My Dr. wants to do a complete medical work-up on me to determine what is going on with me that I keep abrupting my amniotic fluid. He believes there is another underlying cause aside from Incompetent Cervix and he wants to take a look at the shape of my Uterus with more indepth testing. I'm just eager to find out what is going on with me and I'm praying that what ever it is can be corrected!

Well, of course I'd like to leave this post with a few photos of our beautiful girlie! She has stolen our hearts!

On this Father's Day I just wish our precious baby girls could be with their Daddy! He loves them so much and I know Ava and Amelia would have his fingers wrapped tight! And I'm sure my girlies can give my Dad a great big hug for me today because I miss him soooo much... Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Baby Is Officially On Lock-Down!

Well, we knew that the time was coming where I would no doubt have to have the Cerclage Surgery in order to keep this pregnancy going, but still... I was hoping it could be avoided. I was hoping that since I was having no evident complications, by some miraculous miracle THIS pregnancy would be different than the previous two and perhaps I would not really have Incompetent Cervix (although I KNEW in my mind I did).

Last Friday, May 30th, I had an OB appointment to have my cervix checked (my Dr. has been checking my cervical length every 10 days). This was the first appointment that Mugi wasn't able to go along with me due to his work, so my mom took me. First the Dr. checked my cervix internally and told me that my cervix was still closed, which was good. Then he checked my cervical length via U/S and as soon as I saw the image, I knew it looked different than previous weeks. He said that he didn't like what he saw... there was definite shortening! He told me that it was time for the Cerclage and he wanted it placed right away... that same day. So before I knew it, I was admitted to the hospital and being prepped for surgery by noon, and off to recovery by 1:30 PM. I had to stay in the hospital overnight and Mugi was there just in time to meet me up in my room, so I was so very happy to see him.

So, the cerclage is in and baby is on lock-down and everything went really smoothly. All in all, I am just relieved that the procedure is done now so that I can finally be more at ease. I'm very grateful that the shortening was caught early on and that the procedure was "preventative" rather than "rescue"! I am not at all happy with the strict bed-rest that I am now on, but if that is what I have to do to secure the well-being of this baby, I will be attached to my bed EVERY day until October/November! We just are sooo excited for this baby's progress and we know that each and every day that passes is just closer to that day we will be bringing home our new son or daughter!

I do have my next appointment this Friday, so please continue to keep the three of us in prayer for continued strength! I'll update again as soon as I can!

Baby Update and New Pix!

This week was another OB appointment and that means another U/S picture too!

Isn't peanut growing more and more handsome/beautiful every week? This whole process always amazes me so! I'm happy to say that despite all the recent heartache I've been going through with losing my dad, the progress of our baby's growth and health has been wonderful with still NO complications! I feel that God is working such a miracle in me with this baby... I just feel so blessed with a sense of ease and peace! My cervix is still measuring at a great length and is still closed... so again, very hopeful signs. I am now approaching 14 weeks and I will be monitored by my OB now bi-weekly. I am still resting and lounging as much as I can.

Yesterday Mugi had off work and since the weather was beautiful he suggested we take a ride up the mountain and take some pictures. They turned out really well with the ever-growing belly! I just can't get over how big I'm getting already... hard telling how huge I'll be come November! Someone asked me today if I was positive I wasn't having twins, lol! Nope... the u/s shows only ONE!

I just want to say thanks to everyone for their continued support of positive thoughts and prayers for us and our baby! We appreciate them and need them all so much :) Also, I wanted to mention how thankful I am for all the well wishes and messages of sympathy I've received upon so many of you upon the passing of my Dad. Next week will mark a month already since he's been gone, and I still can hardly grasp it. I'm sure that many of you realize and know that there's sooo many loose ends to tie up after a death. Our family has been trying our best to help get mom through all these daunting and difficult tasks these past weeks. It's been hard for all of us, but on a positive note our prayers have been answered in regard to the sale of their house at least. My mom decided that she didn't want to keep the house because her and dad lived 2 hours from the rest of the family. She wants to be closer to both my brother and I (we live 15 minutes from each other) and my gram (her mom). Anyway last week the "For Sale" sign was stuck out in the front yard, and the very next day it sold! Mom was so nervous that the house would not sell easy and would be on the market for months, but I thought it would sell quick because of it's prime location and lot size. So glad it did! Now mom will be moving in with my gram and she'll be equal distance between my brother and I. I'm just so relieved that some things seem to be falling into place easier than expected. Again... THANKS for all the continued prayers!

My Heart Is So Heavy... I've Lost My Dad!

It came as a shock to our whole family last week when my Dad passed away unexpectedly last Tuesday, April 15th at the age of 60. He would have had his 61st Birthday next month. I am still in a fog... I can't wrap my brain around the fact that I will NEVER see, talk to, listen to, or hug and kiss my Dad ever again in this life! And what pains me the most right now is that he'll never meet his new Grandchild who is on the way... he was looking so forward to this new baby ever since I told him on Easter Sunday! I never thought this would happen.


My heart hurts for my Mom... she's been married to her best friend for 43 years and now he's gone so suddenly... my brother and I and our spouses have been trying to stay so strong for her, but it's hard when ALL of our hearts have been ripped open. My dad was a wonderful and caring man. He was a loving man devoted to his family and to his Lord. He was a dedicated spiritual leader... an understanding Pastor whose teachings were a blessing to so many! I have admired and loved my Dad my whole life and I will never know another man quite like him... he was one of a kind, and I'll be spending the rest of my life missing him! I have been blessed beyond measure to have him as my Dad!


Jesus has assured us: " I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die."
(John 11: 25-26).



Pictures of my Dad and I on my wedding day...



Picture taken of Dad this past Christmas 2007...



My Dad's favorite past-time... reading... he read 2 to 3 hardback books a week!

Here's my Dad and Mom stealing a kiss...



With so much love in my heart for you Dad, I will forever and always be your little girl!

More Bump To My Lumps!

Well, here I am in all my 10 weeks glory! I can hardly believe the bump I have going on already... it's really popping extra early this time, but I am not complaining... I love it! I just can't wait to start feeling this lil' peanut move... I hope that comes early too!


I had a good appointment with the OB this week, and everything is looking real fine so far. I haven't been experiencing any early complications as I did with the past two prior pregnancies... no bad cramping, and no spotting or bleeding, so I am very thankful for that. My cervix is also closed (very good thing)... so we are still not sure about my cerclage. My Dr. said he'd like to check me in another 3 weeks and we'll discuss more about everything then. For now, I just continue to take it easy day by day, in other words, I have permission to be lazy ALL day long, and I am :)

One more thing to add before I scoot off here. I am involved on the team for a new on-line magazine that is now making it's debut, called Scrapbook News + Review. It's pretty exciting to finally see the first issue up, so if your interested in a new scrap source via the net please do check SNR out! I have 3 pages in the Reader's Journaling Spotlight and I'm sure I'll get around to sharing more about them later.

Not much else happening here today, sooooo I guess I'll go and get back to my relaxing state! Hope everyone has a great weekend :)

"Positively" Perfect News!

Okay... I'm not going to beat around the bush with this news any longer! We've known now for 3 weeks and I can't contain our excitement much more! I'm ready to share with everyone that we are finally expecting a baby once again! Gosh, it feels great to tell this because we are so overjoyed and at the same time, equally nervous and scared about these next few months. We are taking everything one day at a time and ever since seeing the double pink lines, I have been taking extra care and getting tons of relaxation in. We are so relieved that God is providing us with another chance for us to bring a child into our lives... we pray with all our might that we will hold our child in our loving arms for a lifetime to come!

Easter Day was wonderful yesterday! Our whole family was together at my parents. We went to a beautiful church service in the morning and then my mom made a fabulous feast of food for us all at lunch. She made so much... ham, crabcakes, sweet pototoes, pierogies, asparagus, corn, cabbage slaw, and her home-made rolls... and for dessert, we had coconut cream pie, cream puffs with hot fudge sauce, and then my sister-in-law also brought along a strawberry shortcake type receipe that she made! Like I said, soooo much food! I paid for it too last night because soon after we got home, I developed a bad case of heartburn! Ahhh, one of the joyous ailments of pregnancy!

Toward the end of lunch was when we told everyone that I was pregnant. Thursday was our first appointment with my new OB, and I did have an ultrasound and everything checked out to be fine and on schedule according to my dates. Anyway, right before lunch yesterday I tucked the u/s picture in my pocket. My dad later started conversing about dieting and how much he's lost recently. Then he asked me how my dieting was going... well, I had fallen off the diet wagon a few months ago... but I replied that I didn't really have a set diet anymore and then I said, "do you wanna know why?" and I pulled out the sonogram and gave it to him. Everyone was stunned and shocked! We definitely surprised everyone. I know they are all happy for us, but at the same time I know they are all very scared for us too. And we understand that! Not only have we lost our own precious babies, but those babies were a part of all of them too!

So, there is a very long road ahead of us. I am currently heading into my 8th week. And by the way, here's a little peeky of our lil' peanut's first picture...

Looks pretty fuzzy to me, but the lil' heartbeat was flickering away! Takes my breath away everytime I see that! My next appointment is scheduled for 2 weeks and then we will discuss more about when I'll be scheduling my surgery to have my cervix stitched shut (Cerclage). I know I will be much more relaxed after that's done!

Well I supose that's all the information I have to share for now as far as the pregnancy news. I still haven't gotten any scrapping mo-jo going. I think the lil' peanut taking up all my energy has alot to do with that! Hopefully soon though because I really do miss scrapbooking!

I am going to get back to my resting spot ( I spend alot of time snuggled in bed watching movies these days) and I'll be sure to update you on the peanut and I whenever I can... please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! :) Andrea

It's 3:15 am and I'm still awake...

I hate nights like this! I was all cozy in bed and drifting off to sleep quite nicely when out of no where I start choking and coughing on my saliva... ummm yea, sounds attractive. Anyway, as not to disturb the dh who has to get up in the morning and go to work, I thought I'd come out to the computer room till I get myself together again, lol! Now I'm wide awake because my mind is, so I guess it's the perfect time for a blog episode. Not much to discuss though, as my week was pretty chill.

Last Monday I ended up going to the Dr. because late Saturday night while we were playing cards at our friends house I realized my gland on the left side of my neck was getting pretty swollen. It progressed then on Sunday and I felt lousy so I called the Dr. and luckily there was a cancellation and they got me in at 11. They did a throat culture and it turned up negative for Strep... thank goodness! Anyway, it's all better now... it's magically disappeared. I'm just gonna blame it on the wacko weather that we've been having here this month in PA. I'm sooooo very ready for Spring to hop on in for good. Actually, I'm looking even more forward to Fall. I LOVE Fall, and I think this year is going to be awesome... I just have a feeling! Afterall, it's been a heck of a longgg Winter, hasn't it?

Ohhhh how I wish I could get some Scapping mojo to strike! I don't think I've scrapped a single page or card in like 2, 3 weeks and it's irritating me because I have all this new stuff that I bought from the week in Lancaster that I'm itching to put to use. I pick up the paper and then I'll go through my pictures to find just the right ones to scrap, and I'm just at a total loss. I think maybe I'll just need to get on-line and pick a challenge to work on. Maybe I'll give that a try this week... something's gotta give soon. It feels odd not to be working on something scrappy!

OK, I think this blog has occupied my brain, because I finally find myself getting sleepy, so I'm going to sign off and get back to my cozy flannel sheets! Good night, errr, morning... and have yourselves a nice week :)

Staying Busy...

Yep, and I guess that'll be my excuse for not keeping up with the bloggin' in over a week or two. My big fat Birthday occured this month, on the 16th. The roses up in the top photo there were from my sweetie... to help brighten my day a bit! They were gorgeous, and the first time he ever got me "pink" ones. But, those roses were thee ONLY bright spot of my day. There was nothing else great about turning 35 I'll tell ya! It just kills me that I'm that age already. Sooo much more that I wanted to accomplish by this time and it just makes me sad that I don't have either of my babies here with me (I wanted to have our family complete by this age). I guess I need to resort to the fact that those were my plans, but God obviously has others! Now I can be glad that I still have 5 years left til that #40 creeps up, lol! My parents also sent me the perfect Birthday card and it was actually the first time I ever cried from reading a Birthday greeting. Here it is...

It says, " Daughter, In the scrapbook of my heart, there are so many pages that carry your name...I have so many memories of you laughing and having the time of your life, celebrating milestones, sharing hugs with family and friends. Every year you keep adding to that collection, precious keepsakes that show how much you love and how very much you are loved". What a terrific card, and so perfect for a scrapbooker!

This week Mugi has vacation so we've been having a lot of fun doing this-n-that! Earlier in the week we took off to Lancaster, PA for a few days and did some shopping at the outlets and eating out a ton, cause we both love to do that. I even got to drag him around to some scrapbook places too, but he doesn't mind because that gives him more opportunities to play with his GPS system! We did some antiquing too, but didn't get anything. Here's some fun new stuff that I did get while we were there though...

Of course, a good heaping of scrap stuff (just what I needed)!

At the Yankee Candle Store I stocked up on some of my favorite new fresh scents, Vanilla Lime, Sage & Citrus and Island Spa. These are all sooooo good, but that Vanilla Lime is just insane!

At one of the Tanger outlet shops I found these adorable teddy bears wearing smocks embroidered with names. Of course I looked and they had an "Ava bear". Mugi told me to get it, and so I did...

Then last, I bought a sweet lil' birdie that I found at the "Flower & Craft Warehouse" (A favorite place to shop around for needful things)! Isn't he a cutie?

The rest of the week we've been just hanging out at home and doing some early spring cleaning of sorts. I had him go through his closet and get rid of clothes he no longer wears, or didn't want anymore. It's amazing because we bagged up 2 large trash bags of his dress pants and jeans and shorts, plus about 15 hangers of shirts, and yet it still doesn't look like a dent was put into his closet. So later next week I'll make a trip to Goodwill to drop it all off. Today we tackled organizing and re-arranging stuff in our computer/scrapping/guitar room I'll take some pictures of all my changes soon. I still have a bit yet to organize.

I think tonight we are gonna play some Sequence, and stay up late together watching some TV and I think I'll pop a pizza in the oven.

I must say that I love when my hubby is at home... it's the best to spend so much time together. I wish he didn't have to go back to work next week!